Current state: Confused. Anxious.

June 11, 2016

This blog is an excuse to divert my bored (unhappy) self to be productive. I used to write anyway so why not restart the passion. This is one of the 'if only's' in my life. Not a total regret---but yeah, maybe. It was one of my early passions I could only wish now, would have been more developed. 

But again, I try to live with less regrets. Less is better, because having no regrets, for me, means not learning from the life lessons of the past. 

Current state: Confused. Anxious.

I know for certain what's causing the anxiety. I hate to admit it, but it is the lack of contentment. I rarely have this feeling, but when I do, I have a really hard time shaking it off of my system. It takes weeks or even months. I can't wait for it to just crawl out of me. 

Why don't I just let go? I try to! It just finds it's way back and when it does, it gets worse than the last time. So I just breathe it in. It is painful. 

But that's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt. ~ John Green

                                                               

My job warrants absorption of negativity. I feel emotionally abused, but because the core of any business are the customers, there is a need to take it in but also a need to let the negativity go. I think this is where most of my anxiety is coming from. Don't get me wrong, the company I work for is one of the best. The type of job and the culture around it, is what I can no longer take. I used to be able just disregard negativity, until, somehow, it became too much. I think one case stuck on me like a strong freakin' adhesive, it won't go. The negativity carried over to other cases, and then one day I realized, I'm stuck in a negative emotional limbo. I know it's not healthy, and you're probably thinking, why don't I just quit? My answer? Love. If I leave this job, I would risk having to live in a different country as my husbands, and at this point, I'd rather take this state (for now), than to be away from him. If I leave this job, how will I support my mother, who has worked 20 years overseas just to get me to school. Love, my friend, is what's making me torture myself. 

So here's a bit of positivity in me. 

We are not meant to work for someone else to get richer unlike what society have long instilled in us. We can work for our own selves, if we want to. Just like any start up, it is going to be difficult, but so is staying stuck in a cubicle, absorbing the ramblings of a stranger who couldn't care less about you. So, I have an action plan!

I am currently finding ways to sustain this lifestyle. I started reading---a lot. It's igniting the positivity in me. I guess you can say, that it all starts with a plan. Plus, my husband has been helping me a lot. 

I cannot give you any other advise yet, as I am still in the limbo. 

I hate being told, that it's just me. 

That I am being too sensitive. Heck, I am human. Not a robot. 

That I am taking it to personally. Personally or not, at one point, it will get to me or anyone for that matter.

That I should just let it go. I am trying!!!

That I should just quit. Again, you cannot just advise this if you don't know my life story. 

I will get out of this limbo, I promise! 

laters, 

~d